Wednesday, June 11, 2008

4am thoughts and fears

I was awakened for the 'n'th (somewhere between 4 and 8, its hard to remember) time last night by Griffin purring in my ear, apparently requesting attention. Since this was not the first time he woke me up, I woke up my darling husband to deal with it as Griffin actually responds to him and will remain at the foot of the bed when Sean puts him there. Since he was now awake Sean got up and went to the bathroom. In the few minuets he was gone I was overtaken by sheer panic and fear. We are about to have a baby and I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to handle having a baby. What if I'm terrible with him, what if I can't soothe him, what in God's name do you do with a baby 24 hrs a day 7 days a week for the next 18yrs (yeah yeah I know he won't be a 'baby' that long)! By the time Sean gets back I'm wide awake and freaking out. So I ask him if he is scared and nervous about the baby coming.
He says 'No'.
I say "Well I am!"
He says "What are you worried about you are going to be a great mom!"
This does nothing to ease my fears and I tell him so. So he is forced to go on, and here is where I remember why I'm totally in love with this man. He goes on to say something to the effect of:
"No matter what happens, we are in this together, it is a new and scary thing that we are doing, but we've done new and scary things before and we got through those just fine. This is the same idea, we are a team, you don't have to be perfect, I'm here to back you up, and you'll back me up when I'm not perfect."
Seriously, who comes up with that kind of wisdom at 4am?!? Well I can tell you that made me feel a whole lot better, because he was exactly correct. I may not have a whole lot of faith in myself as a parent (I've never done it before, so I'm totally untested), but I do have a lot of faith in 'us'. Having him by my side makes me feel like I/we can do anything, child rearing included.

I seriously have the best husband in the world. I feel very blessed.


Kristeen said...

I have two thoughts. First, while it makes me feel more normal to know that you have these fears like I do, it also makes me sad, because I don't want you to feel worried. I've known you since were what, 12? 13? And I've always thought of you as completely competent in every situation. You always succeed-- and that will include motherhood.

Second, Isn't it nice to have such wonderful husbands? Girlymen RULE! Everyone should have one :)

Crystal said...

Aw...I love you two and shed a tear when reading that. Sean is right, you two are in this together and you make a great pair. You can handle anything together!

AbbeM said...

Becky - EVERYONE has these fears. There are so many things to think about, and everything you read makes you worry even more. All I can say is: You'll be great. You're an intelligent, wonderful woman, and you care so much about him already, and he's not even here yet. And having wonderful, sensitive husbands to help out, pull their weight, and back you up makes all the difference.

Feel free to call/email any time and talk about these things; getting the fears out helps.

Elaine and Brandon said...

Sean is such a great person. He was so accommodating when I stayed with you the other weekend. If he went to all that trouble for grown adults, then I have absolutely NO fears that he will be 1 million times attentive to Mr. Blueberry and yourself.

On the same note, you will be a great mom for the fact that you are constantly questioning things and not just satisfied with status quo of how things are done. Most parents say "because I said so." You have all those parents beat, because you will say "because research says so!!" And then your kid/kids cannot so easily get out of that one.

I think you have done more research and put much more concern into your child's first days on this planet, than I would guestimate 75-80% of parents have put in to their child's entire future. The books you have read already and blogs you have posted have indicated that you are concerned about raising a child the best that you can with all the knowledge that you have/can learn.

That is what makes you a great parent, questioning what has been done and making sure that the immense power that comes with parenthood is actively engaged in loving and living life to its fullest.

I have no doubt in you and Sean as individuals or as a couple because you both are just truly loving and caring people who have made my life wonderful and have pushed me to reach limits I never thought and push me to ensure that I use research and do not accept "because I said so" as an answer.